Atlanta (AP) - Alice Adams Qualifies for Pole Position at Road Atlanta

ViperInBlack

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It was with great pride, and pleasant surprise, that I decided that I had qualified for pole position at that Road Atlanta place. The announcement appeared to have been unexpected by the Road Atlanta hierarchy as well. When I called them to formally accept the position, there was some degree of confusion…on their part. I felt I was really focused this time.

I had to call nine times before I had some degree of closure with them. I should explain that on my first call, I outlined for them that I was a new Viper owner/driver and had decided to take the pole position in any forthcoming race thing which they planned. I am not certain what happened, and it was, in fact, raining at the time, but the phone line went dead.

When I called back, there were unquestionable problems on the line. The same nice fellow answered, and there was this hollow type of sound like when you are on a speaker phone. And I am guessing that the staff was sitting around watching some sitcom because as I re-stated my decision, there was this outburst of laughter. Darn weather, the phone again went dead.

I tried not to be burdensome to them so I spaced my next few calls. So, on the ninth call in that first fifteen minutes, someone (whom I believe was hearing challenged) yelled very loudly into the phone to tell me that “you qualify all right, you qualify for (and this is a automotive term with which I am like totally unfamiliar but sounded like) hrass mint” or something I assumed that my hrass mint (maybe it was rass ment) was quite a title and a distinct honor because he wanted me to know that I had achieved it.

On my tenth call (I was not going to mention that particular call because it was just simply pushing speed dial), another man (very nice as well) told me that I was being recognized by the entire management of Road Atlanta. Now is that nice or what?

Actually, as I recall, he said it something like “is that your valid telephone number on caller ID?” You can imagine…well maybe not because you have not qualified for a pole position…how thrilled and excited I was. I told him this was truly my telephone number. He then reassured me that “I can promise you that you will be contacted by the authorities.”

I mean that was that not just too cool?

I mean this guy did not know me from Adam. Adam...Adams…get it? Sometimes I just kill me. Literally. Like that time in college with the pills, the rope, the roof and the tube from my car exhaust. Talk about overkill. Oh, did you know that when you take Depakote, your bipolar disorder calms down really a whole lot, and you focus much better? Oooh, is that a puppy outside the window. Hold on a sec.

Where was I? Oh, yes, I was simply elated by my decision that I had qualified, but I wanted to share with you how I came upon that realization of my native driving abilities.

Some of you know that I have owned an SRT-10 (one of those rare ones; it is red) for three entire weeks (well, almost) and as of today, I have logged one hundred (100) miles (well, not quite but pretty darned close).

Sadly, some of the miles do not count because they were accrued going to Carvel’s for ice cream. Quite a few by trying to pull into a parking space, and some of the other miles were accumulated going for gasoline. The Viper is actually quite economical. A full tank can get me not only to the gas station but almost back home again. It is almost two entire miles…or a little less.

Now where was I? Got it. As you can imagine, with this intense and rigorous driving schedule, I have learned a great deal about competitive driving.

You lesser drivers are not aware of this, but when you drive a Viper in a subdivision, other cars assist you in testing your maneuvering ability by playfully backing out of their driveways as you approach. They do not owe me this, but they freely offer it, and I feel tearfully indebted.

Additionally, it is an urban myth that you must be basted because of cabin heat. You can learn to develop reasonable heat tolerance. (There is a specific home study courses for this. It involves wearing racing leathers in front of a space heater, in the sun, in August while your dog pants into your face).

OK, back to my extensive knowledge base of competitive driving, I learned quite a few things from Speed Humps. That is truly what they call them down here. Speed Humps. While that terms sounds like some unfulfilling mating ritual, it is actually a mutation of what was once called "Speed Bump." It is sort of a "Speed Bump" on steroids.

So, I found that by transversing a Speed ****, at considerable speed, in a car with no ground clearance, and then stomping on the brakes at the midway point, you can really develop amazing reflexes. You also relive your most recent meal.

I need to educate you a bit regarding braking. I brake for small animals moose and squirrel, household pets, pterodactyle, etc. On this particular occasion, it was a chipmunk. They are cute little things; very small brains whether measured in millimeters or within the tread of my tires.

In either case, this chipmunk ran out in front of me. That Viper ABS is amazing. I mean I was at a dead stop in microseconds. It was a bit late for the chipmunk, but it did impress those in back of me, all eight cars. They sure were quick to form a small community when they got out of their vehicles. I wanted to stay, but I was late for a nail appointment.

It was at Burger King where I learned the essential motor movements that enable a wheel stand. Actually, it was not entirely intentional, but I feel that I benefited from the unanticipated event. That is called serendipity. That’s what my analyst told me.

I was in the drive thru, talking on my cell phone to the weather channel to ask them how there could be a 75% probability of rain when it was already raining; nice people. I got to talk to this marvelously sweet recording, but while doing so, and listening to Rob Zombie, I dropped my eyeliner.

When I reached for it, my right foot was in the way, but when I tried to move that, I pushed on that accelerator (right term?), and my left foot slipped off that clutchy thing. Weee, I was suddenly in the air.

I think that the drive-thru window woman (she was Hispanic; I think that’s what language she was using...rather loudly...likely because I was still talking to that recording on the cell phone. As I looked down, as the front end lifted above her head...well, anyway, I think she has problems with urinary incontinence; poor thing.

I do not want to try to teach you too much at one sitting, but I am moving on to advanced skill development in the morning. I am going to try third gear.

Alice
 
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ViperInBlack

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The fact that y'all would take the time to comment on my (utterly true) posts is deeply moving. It is one of the true joys of my life...well, that and tanks of helium.

Alice
 

RockStar

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I hear ya!

Helium rocks!

This one time, at band camp, I told this really bad joke from an old movie that everyone wanted to forget and.....oh, nevermind. Helium rocks!

Great stuff Alice! You never fail to dissapoint.
 
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ViperInBlack

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GTSVIPER:

My writing has been banned by VIPER Magazine. I really think this is unfair; a few letters expressing opinions become listed as terroristic threats.

Big deal, so they had to empty out the building and check a few air ducts. Seems an over response to ban me.

Seriously, check the spring issue.

Best regards,

Alice
 

Kelly06

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Hey Alice
You are famous! Not because of the above drivel, but because they are discussing your 10 reasons on the corvette forum. Way to go. :2tu: :D
 

AG98RT10

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You know, I really think "Alice" should 'fess up.

Any simple-minded fool can tell who's really penning these little vignettes:










Dave Barry

C'mon now, Dave, admit it!
 

ViperGMC

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Some of you know that I have owned an SRT-10 (one of those rare ones; it is red) for three entire weeks (well, almost) and as of today, I have logged one hundred (100) miles (well, not quite but pretty darned close).

This is your car calling, when are you going to stop writing and start driving me!!!!
 
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